'Write down why you left': The advice that helped Sydney mum move on after her divorce
By Jo Abi|
Jessica Cummings was just 20 when she met the man who would become her husband, and on the outside her life seemed "perfect."
But life is often different behind closed doors, and they eventually separated and began the embarked on the complicated process that is divorce, doing their best to ensure their son Max, eight, was as supported as possible.
"At the moment I have full custody," Cummings, 32, from Sydney, tells 9Honey.
"My ex is in the military, so his work doesn't allow for the stability Max needs. He's been living ?interstate for the past couple of years.
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"Max is really proud of him. They talk as often as they can. His dad calls him most days, a couple of times a week minimum."
Cummings and her former husband met in Coffs Harbour at her girlfriend's birthday party จC "I saw a man by the pool with a six-pack and a tan" จC and the relationship moved quickly, despite him soon returning to military college.
"We met just before my 20th birthday, were engaged by the time I was 22, I was pregnant at 23, married at 24 and we separated when I was 25," she says.
Unlike their relationship, the couple's divorce took much longer but they "got there in the end."?
"The process isn't always quick and simple," she says.
Cummings was hoping for a joint divorce, which would expedite the process, so she hired divorce lawyer Cassandra Kalpaxis.
"We were so young when we got together, and as we got older we became different people," she explains.
?When she decided their marriage was over, she knew she'd have to be the one to leave their home as it was defense housing.
"I got my things and my son, and went to my mum's house," she explains.
?"It was a matter of trying to adjust to my new reality at the same time as dealing with everyone else's feelings and needs."
Cummings says people thought she and her husband were ?"perfect together", and some family members urged her to work on her marriage.
"One told me to suck it up," she recalls.
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"I'm always going to love him, he's the father of my son, but I just couldn't do it anymore."
Financially, it was a struggle. Cummings and Max eventually moved out of her parents' home and she returned to work and caring for her son, who was two at the time.
"I was working in the fitness industry, and it's not as lucrative as I would like it to be but I loved it," she says.
"It has a great culture. But I wasn't earning much and was living on coffee and tuna and rice because that's all I could afford."?
Cummings started dating again and met her now-fiancจฆ Ben, who didn't realise how much she was struggling.
"The pinnacle was my fiancจฆ and I not being able to go out with friends because I didn't have the money," she recalls.
"He asked me how much money I have to spend on myself each week and I told him I had $30, and if Max needed medication or anything that's all I had. He said he'd never ask me again, but I felt really s---ty."
Cummings recalls a comment her partner made about how quickly his toilet paper was being used in his share house, and she couldn't bring herself to tell him she couldn't afford sanitary products during her period and was having to use toilet paper.?
"There's a lot of stigma around money and I knew I wasn't earning what I was worth, so I worked hard and since then have nearly doubled my salary," she says.
Cummings and her ex have also finalised their divorce and she is receiving child support, which is a "massive weight off", she says.
Still, Cummings left her ex in 2016 and their divorce wasn't finalised until 2021, the five-year process taking its toll.?
"I started seeing a therapist and I've done a lot of work on myself," she says.
"I did a lot of self-development courses and read a lot of books and started to have open and transparent conversations with people and live unapologetically, setting boundaries, and having confidence in that."?
She has taken this new knowledge into her relationship with her future husband, whom she describes as being with her "high school crush", which was Ron from Harry Potter.
Their daughter Rylyn, two, ?also sports her father's charming orange locks. Max is darker, with his mother's colouring and dark hair.
Now her hard times are over, Cummings says she's able to focus on her future.
She's using her experience to help others through her lawyer Cassandra Kalpaxis's Detox Your Divorce retreats, where divorcing women are supported with legal advice, mental health support and financial guidance.
"I would say my main advice is to write down why you left," she says.
"It can be easy to reminisce about the good times. Just be clear on your why and from that point, talk to other people and be around other people who support you.
"I thought the retreat was going to be super-negative but it wasn't like that. It was a great environment and everyone had collective experiences and many different reasons for leaving."
"It was really healing, and it's great to recognise what has gone wrong and how to be the best version of yourself so you don't bring any s--t into your next relationship, like generational trauma," she adds.
"You have to take some ownership so you can change your patterns.?
?"I've come so far. I feel like I'm a legend, I say it all the time, and if I could speak to 20-year-old Jess I'd tell her everything is going to be OK."
Find out more about the Detox Your Divorce retreat by visiting the website.?
