'With an eating addiction, every second of the day is consumed by thinking about food'
By Jo Abi|
A few years ago, if you had asked Vanessa Kredler what her childhood was like, she would have said it was "totally fine."
"Really, my childhood was in many ways very good. My material needs were always abundantly provided for," she tells 9Honey.
It took therapy for the Sydney woman to process her perspective on what had happened, and she believes she is still dealing with the impacts of her upbringing 40 years later.
"There was emotional neglect," Kredler, 45, opines. "It's much harder to pinpoint neglect than abuse. It is invisible, something didn't happen.
"It's much easier to see things that shouldn't have happened. With neglect, you know something is missing but you don't know what it is."
?If it hadn't been for her declining mental health decades later, Kredler may never have made sense of her perceptions about what happened to her and what she feels she missed.
"I grew up in Germany. Ingrained in our culture is being silent about our horrific past as a country, how our ancestors were implicated as perpetrators, and what traumas they themselves experienced and unknowingly passed on to later generations," she explains.
In her opinion, she says: "Not talking about and holding back emotions has meant that emotional needs have been neglected. In my upbringing, they were just invisible. This is how trauma is transmitted trans-generationally.?"
Kredler explains she has a "lot of compassion" for her family but has needed to acknowledge her beliefs about her emotional upbringing and resulting trauma as a "first step to healing it."?
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She says her mental health became severely impacted in her early 30s, with her trauma expressing itself as a food addiction.
"I'd had a food addiction forever, my whole life, but it escalated into extreme bingeing behaviours," she shares.
"As I slowly entered the recovery world, I identified food addiction and other addictions?. Once you get into recovery you sort of uncover a whole world underneath. That has taken years, a long time."
"?I had no idea there was trauma underneath my addiction."
For Kredler, food became a way to "soothe" herself.
?"The way I would describe it is, usually you think of addiction as a way of finding something to soothe you externally,? because the soothing you might have needed and that emotional regulation wasn't optimal," she says.
"That is very distressing for a young brain. When something is missing, the brain wires itself to seek out whatever it needs. People call them symptoms, but they are creative ways a very young brain wires itself for survival."
Treatment for such behaviours takes the forming of healthier neurological pathways, which Kredler has managed to do.
"I now live in total freedom from food addiction," she says. ?
"The way my addiction works is I don't have an 'off' button. I don't have the wiring to understand when to stop eating if left to my own devices, so I have found a way of eating that keeps me free from addiction and free from constantly obsessing about food and weight."
Kredler found peer groups of those with similar addiction and trauma experiences helpful in learning ways to recover.
"I have been in recovery for about 14 years now," she says, the result of a combination of therapy and the support of peer groups made up of others with addictions and complex trauma.
"?I had no idea there was trauma underneath my addiction."
Kredler says having her food addiction and complex trauma identified "took away a lot of my shame" and now works as a counsellor helping to support others.
"My own learning as a counsellor taught me a lot about complex trauma and PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder) and developmental trauma," she says. "The journey continues. It was a lightbulb moment and one of relief. I thought, 'Wow, I can relate to that.'"
For those at the start of their complex trauma journeys, Kredler says to reach out and get help, explore peer groups and seek counselling.
"I wouldn't suggest for a minute anyone go on a recovery journey alone," she says. "The most amazing thing for me is having a community of people who have struggled, a peer community, and outside of that help from different types of health professionals and services. I also educated myself a fair bit by reading and listening to podcasts. There's all sorts of stuff out there, a lot of information.?"
Kredler is sharing her story on behalf of the Blue Knot Foundation which provides information and support for anyone who is affected by complex trauma.
Dr Cathy Kezelman, President of the Blue Knot Foundation and a complex trauma survivor herself, explains those with complex trauma can find it hard to live with the effects.
"Many people with experiences of complex trauma struggle with the effects of their trauma," she explains. "Often, they were abused in secrecy and silenced with threats. They were disempowered and rendered voiceless. They were betrayed and may still find it hard to trust. Many have never felt safe.
"For all of these reasons, it can be hard for people living with the effects of complex trauma to reach out and seek help," Dr Kezelman continues. "But just as people are harmed in relationships, they can also heal in relationships. The first step can be starting to talk about how they are feeling. That's why it's so important to ask if they are okay."
If you or someone you know is in need of support for complex trauma contact Blue Knot Foundation on ?1300 657 380.
