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'Five things I learnt from going to therapy before I welcomed my second child'

By Nikolina Koevska Kharoufeh |

Motherhood is an incredibly daunting, confusing and overwhelming experience. It's something I just wasn't prepared for when I had my first child Noah. So when I fell pregnant with my second, I made it a mission to work through all my emotions, challenges and insecurities by going to therapy.?

Therapy for me was a virgin experience and one I never thought I would find myself in. But boy am I grateful for the tools it has given me to delve into the chaos of raising a newborn for the second time. And while speaking to a therapist is something I encourage all mums to do in whatever stage of parenting they may be, there are a few tools I learnt in my journey that I think any parent can easily implement without the need to speak to a professional.?

These are the five useful lessons I took home from my pre-natal therapy experience, an experience that is documented in 9Honey Parenting's podcast Come To Therapy With Me.

READ MORE: Exploring the fear of post-natal blues?

Nikolina Koevska Kharoufeh
Nikolina Koevska Kharoufeh prepared for the birth of her second child by going to therapy. (Instagram)

Change your language?

Throughout my therapy journey I was consistently called out by my therapist Dr Charise for repeating a specific word. That work was "should".

"I should be a more attentive mum", "I should spend more time with my toddler", "I should want to put my career on hold". Every time I said it, she would warn me just how damaging that word can be.?

Focusing on what you "should" be, rather than what you "want" to be, can be the trigger for many negative thoughts and self-criticisms. So by simply changing the language you use to describe who you are and who you strive to be, you can change the lens through which you see yourself into a much more positive one.

READ MORE: 'I question whether I was meant to be a mother every day'?

Clean out your social media

Sharing my motherhood experience on social media has brought with it much joy, but has also been incredibly stressful. While social media can connect you with like-minded parents and provide endless humour about the craziness of motherhood, it can also feed into your parenting insecurities.

Following a mum who shares postpartum workouts two months after she gave birth may be inspirational, though if it starts to make you feel bad about yourself then it's time to unfollow. Make social media a positive space that you can enjoy, rather than something that consistently makes you second guess your worth.

READ MORE: ?'I mourn my pre-baby body and the fitness freak I was'

Schedule in 'me time'

During my second pregnancy, I really wanted to stay as active as possible. But running around after a toddler all day and working didn't leave me with much time (or energy). So every day that would pass that I didn't fit in even just a 10-minute walk, I would get into bed and feel bad about myself. I would then mentally schedule in a short workout the following day, but it would never actually happen.

So during one session, Dr Charise told me to get out my phone and schedule a 10-minute walk into my calendar. She told me to text the booking to my husband so he knew it was on the agenda. The following day my alarm went off with the reminder and I went downstairs, put my joggers on and left for my walk. Scheduling this 'me time' into your calendar (whether exercise-related or not) is a way of holding yourself accountable to making it happen. Such a simple yet effective tool.

READ MORE: ?'Please do not say this one thing to new mums'

Take notes?

If you're like me, then your mind likes to run a million miles an hour at the worst possible times จC that is, when it's time to sleep! From work responsibilities to daycare reminders, grocery runs and housework จC as a mum there are so many things to think about each day.

So to help with the anxiety of remembering it all, leave a notepad and pen on your bedside table. When the thoughts start to run, get up and write it all down before it starts to overwhelm you.

Knowing you have it all noted down and ready to deal with the following day helps to ease some of that anxiety and find the time to relax and switch off.

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Find the positives

During my difficult postpartum experience with my first child Noah, I remember how hard I found dealing with all the things that went "wrong" each day. Disaster naps, refusal of bottles, constant crying (from the both of us), it felt like everything was falling apart and all I needed to do was survive each day. But in between all the challenges there were special moments จC giggles, tummy time smiles and sleepy cuddles. It was just hard to recognise these moments in all the chaos.

So whether it be the start of the day, the middle or the end, try to remind yourself of those little positives. The little moments may not seem like much, but thinking about them in the moment brings a sense of warmth and positivity to the day. Something all mums deserve to feel.?

Join Nikolina as she opens up her heart and her mind. Listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you find your podcasts.

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