Five totally inappropriate people mums form crushes on

Remember the days of fawning over rock stars in leather pants and long, greasy hair? With wall-to-wall posters of Guns ¡®n¡¯ Roses in my room, I used to be the girl in the front row pulling at my Flock of Seagulls fringe with excitement.

I¡¯m not all that sure when the change occurred exactly (somewhere between turning 30 and becoming a mother, I guess) but the people I obsess over these days are a little¡­ different.

In no order of importance, I present the most inappropriate crushes I¡¯ve developed as a mother. Perhaps you¡¯re guilty of a few yourself?

My obstetrician

The relationship between an obstetrician and his patient must be one of the most intense on the planet, and why not? For months, you're cocooned in this relationship where weekly (for me, anyway), you waddle to meet this sharply-attired man in a small office overlooking the park. Once there, he addresses your concerns, allays your fears and spends a considerable amount of time between your legs.?

Just as you become convinced you've never loved anyone as much as you do this person, he goes and delivers your baby... and then abandons you six weeks later like some deadbeat dad.

Personally, I was heartbroken after my obstetrician broke up with me at my six-week check-up. I mean I could see his waiting room was full of other love-struck women, but it still hurt to know I was never going to see him again. Even today, I have to resist the urge to throw pebbles at his window as I howl, "Did I mean nothing to you? Can those women in your waiting room give you a low-lying placenta as well as I could? I doubt it!"

But, like those bad relationships long gone that have borne fruit in the form of expensive jewellery you can still appreciate, I know I will always have my baby to remember him by.

My baby care nurse

It's funny how the hospital sends you home with a newborn expecting you¡¯ll intuitively know what to do with them. After a couple of weeks of solo nappy bungles and crying until the bath water grows cold sessions, relief comes in the form of the baby care nurse ¨C a.k.a. the one women in your entire universe who can somehow understand what it is your baby is trying to tell you.

Over the course of the next year or two, she'll provide a shoulder to cry on and listen carefully as you list (for the 50th time) your concerns over your baby's bowel movements. She'll make sure baby is on track, but just as importantly, she'll make sure you're flourishing too.

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When I think about it, my first girl crush should have been someone like Sofia Vergara, all buxom and big-lipped, but it wasn't - it was on a petite 50-something Irish nurse by the name of Anne. When I first met her, I was struggling with a three-week old reflux baby and I was beside myself with sleeplessness, anxiety and frustration. Anne, who happened to work at my local early childhood centre, somehow appeared to know just what to do and when to do it, making her my own personal Yoda.

I kept in touch with Anne for years and would still love to have her in my life, but she keeps moving away ¨C possibly to get away from dependant mums like me.? Anne, I know I¡¯m not the only one.

My daughter¡¯s teacher

I took breaking up with my daughter¡¯s Kindy teacher very badly. All year I tripped all over myself trying to get closer to the superstar who taught my child to read and write, and when the time came for my little one to move into year one, I held Kindy teacher tight and threatened to cry into her hair (and whisper Bonnie Tyler songs into her ear ¨C just a little).

It¡¯s not that I wanted to get it on with her; I just wanted to become her new best friend because I respected her so much for everything she¡¯d done for my daughter. Also, she just seemed like a really cool chick and I could do with a few more of those in my life.

Apparently, forming a crush on your child¡¯s teachers is pretty common and it makes sense. After all, these are the people who ¨C between the hours of nine to three every week day - are in charge of shaping our children and (hopefully) planting the first few seeds of greatness. How can you not crush on that?

Also, respect to those who can look after 25 raucous children day in/day out without taking lithium to see them through.? I¡¯d sooner eat glass.

The ¡®perfect¡¯ mum

You know the mum I¡¯m talking about - there's one in every school, pre-school centre and mothers group. She turns up at every drop-off and pick-up looking like an off-duty model, but with a ready smile so you can't hate her right away. She looks expensive, as though she could invoice you for simply looking at her face, and she¡¯s rarely ruffled, parenting her immaculate children with Stepford Wife ease.

You might accept an invitation to her home for a play date, but once you enter through her French double doors, you¡¯ll immediately regret your decision. The home ¨C which you¡¯re already familiar with because you¡¯re an avid reader of Home Beautiful where it has been featured ¨C is spotless, with no visible indication children live anywhere on the premises.

She makes heavenly cakes from scratch, her tinfoil robots trump everybody else¡¯s at school ¡®parents must not only attend but get involved¡¯ days, and you want to hate her but you also want to be her, which is terribly confusing for everybody involved.

I¡¯ve known a few of these women in my life as a mother and I develop a crush every single time.

My husband

Is it weird to develop a brand new crush on the person you¡¯re already married to? If so, this one¡¯s a big one for me.

For all the imaginary rock-throwing at obstetrician windows and baby clinic stalking, nothing quite compares to what I felt as I witnessed my husband blossom into a father. Watching the man change a nappy, feed a toddler or climb into bed in his business suit and read the kids a bedtime story? Now that¡¯s sexy and totally worthy of my crush currency.