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If you don't have a favourite child you're probably lying

By Dilvin Yasa|

Dilvin and her older brother in their younger years
Dilvin and her older brother in their younger years

Parents claim to be preference-free, but research tells a different story

I have two daughters - similar in looks, polar opposites in temperament จC but I do not have a favourite. Iกฏm certain of this, but apparently, Iกฏm lying to both you and myself because according to academics, every parent has one they love just that little more than the others.

กฐNinety five per cent of parents in the world have a favourite child, and the other five per cent are lying through their teeth,กฑ writes Jeffrey Kluger in his book, The Sibling Effect, and academics agree. One study from the University of California found that out of the 768 parents surveyed, a whopping 70 percent of mums and 74 percent of dads were found to have a clear favourite, with dads favouring their youngest daughters, and mums giving that extra bit of love to their first-born sons, in particular.

Similarly, in a British study, some 14,000 families were observed interacting over a period by Professors David Lawson and Ruth Mace who found that through their actions, 65 percent of mothers and 70 percent of fathers showed a clear preference for one of their children.

My own mother does not care for such studies, openly admitting that my older brother จC the middle sibling จC is กฎher favourite and her bestกฏ. Where other parents will quickly deny such accusations, my mum just grins off into the distance and says, กฐYes, he sure is!กฑ It isnกฏt anything my other brother and I donกฏt already know, but itกฏs never bothered us.

Our middle brother is the one most like my mum, gentle and sweet with a baby face that people are moved to want to protect. By comparison, our eldest brother and I were independent from a young age and quite tough (or scrappy, you might say) so mum never felt like she had to worry about us.

Kluger says my mum is on the right track with her way of thinking and that parents, or กฎreproductive narcissistsกฏ tend to respond to a child who reminds them of themselves the most. But I think the real reason her favouritism never bothered us was that despite her clear preference for one child, she always made sure we each felt loved, nurtured and supported even though we all knew จC deep down จC that in the event of, say, a house fire, we would be pushed quickly into the flames in her quest to get her golden child out.

Others who grow up in the shadow of a favourite child donกฏt come out so unscathed. Studies from Cornell University show siblings of clear favourites often struggle with a wide range of psychological problems in adulthood, from depression and low self-esteem to conflicts with siblings which can go on long after the parent in question has died.

I donกฏt doubt this to be true; I know of one woman, now in her 50s, who still signs off on family birthday cards and letters as กฎDadกฏs second favourite childกฏ, and another who threw a My Little Pony for her daughter just like the one she had begged for as a child only for her sister to get it instead. กฐIกฏm still not over it,กฑ she tells me some 30 years after the fact. กฐShe knew how much I wanted one and she got the pony party instead.กฑ

I long to tell her that thereกฏs a good chance her sister didnกฏt get off so lightly either (studies show being put up on a pedestal from a young age leaves children vulnerable to unhealthy relationships as adults, and can also burden them with a sense of entitlement thatกฏs hard to shake). I donกฏt tell her this to her face of course. I simply write it here in the hope that sheกฏll read it and perhaps use it as a stepping stone in the healing process.

I donกฏt have a favourite child at the moment (with a five-year age gap, itกฏs difficult to compare the two), but I worry that as I get older, a preference may emerge. When I ask friends with older children if they have one, almost everyone I speak to admits (secretly) that they do, for various reasons (usually because one is easier than the others, is most like them, or simply because they prefer a particular gender). กฐI wanted a girl my whole life and have no time for boys and their rough play,กฑ says one.

กฐMy youngest is quite intense and sullen จC she didnกฏt even smile as a baby - so I find it very hard to bond with her,กฑ admits another.? Iกฏm confused by this of course จC my eldest is exactly like me, but my youngest is such an easy kid, Iกฏm always worried Iกฏm going to forget her in restaurants. Which one am I supposed to favour?

I wish I had a Jerry Springer-style กฎFinal Thoughtกฏ to give us all a new perspective, but what appears to be key to family harmony is ensuring each child receives equal amounts of love, affection and attention from both parents, despite whatกฏs in your heart. In other words, if one child gets a My Little Pony party, youกฏd better be knocking out those Pony parties for every member of your family for years because believe me, the last thing any parent wants for their child is to grow up a Pony-obsessed adult.

And on that note, take care of yourselves, and each other.

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