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'It may sound like overkill': Osher G¨šnsberg's confession about the mental load of fatherhood

By Osher G¨šnsberg|

Does your device freeze up when you're trying to do too much? Seventeen open tabs, 22 unanswered emails, a live stream plus a zoom call, is apparently too much for its tiny processor, and then everything justĄ­ stops.

Sometimes I feel like this is what happens to my brain, particularly when juggling the work I'm very grateful to do and the family I'm even more grateful to have. When the logistics of keeping everything running just pile up and up and up - eventually, it all stops working, and I just reboot in 'safe mode', when Wolfie can expect two straight hours of Bluey, toast for dinner and an early bedtime.

Not ideal because that's not a fun day for either of us - but sometimes that is the best I can do.?

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Osher Gunsberg and his son Wolfie
Osher Gunsberg and his son Wolfie (Instagram)

When Audrey was pregnant with Wolfie, I'd joke when people asked how I was going to handle the lack of sleep; "I used to do the overnight shift on radio - I'm used to It!".

However, what I didn't realise is that the version of me who did that radio job was 22, was able to sleep until sunset, consume only toast and coffee, and was interacting with no other people other than the girlfriend he lived with and the radio DJs he'd pass in the halls before and after his shift.

Twenty-five years later when Wolfie was born, that lack of sleep was now coupled with four TV jobs, three podcasts, numerous speaking appearances as well as making sure that our eldest daughter got to and from every dance class, netball training session, water polo match, soccer game and gatho with her mates. Not a great combo.

I am the first to admit that I rely far too heavily on Audrey's logistical mind to help everything keep running. Even on the few days a week when I'm not working, days when I've cleared my calendar and I am on Wolf Patrol solo, days when my wife is supposed to be free of thinking about or having anything to do with keeping the house running - I know that I don't do the best I can around that boundary.

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Osher G¨šnsberg met his wife Audrey Griffen when she was working as a makeup artist on Season 2 of The Bachelor. The pair married in 2016.
Osher G¨šnsberg married Audrey in 2016. (Instagram)

Every question I ask her before thinking about it myself, every time I have a 'man look' for something I can't find, I know that is just another kilo of mental load weighing her down. Another thing getting between her and an actual life away from the never-ending laundry. I know all of this, yet I still often do it - and that's no fun for either of us.

With my work it's one thing. I learned years ago that if I wanted to have a successful career, I needed to employ someone who can manage my calendar, defend the time in that calendar, and then remind me to do the things in that calendar.

My brain is quite good at other stuff, but logistics and deadlines? I'm useless. So I ended up outsourcing that aspect of my work to my brilliant manager Rachel Barrett - and since then things have really taken off.

However, I can't do that with Audrey.

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Osher with wife Audrey, son Wolfie and his stepdaughter Georgia.
Osher with wife Audrey, son Wolfie and his stepdaughter Georgia. (Instagram)

It may seem perfectly obvious to you reading this, and to me writing it - because I know that I have to get Wolf's room set for a nap at some point in the morning. I know that at some point he's going to run out of puff and start to slip into the parallel universe of overtired toddlers - where time nor logic nor reason exist. I know that having his pyjamas set out, bed ready and everything set to go will make for an easy transition into his midday nap (long may it reign).

I know this.

Yet I still forget to do it.

For some reason, throughout the morning of doing all the other things you do when you're by yourself with the kid, it slips my mind and then everyone has a bad time.

Audrey is just as busy in her own career, so rather than repeating the pattern where she reminds me to do these things, a few months ago I started experimenting with a way to outsource this as well.

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Osher reflects on being a dad
Osher reflects on being a dad (Instagram)

I put a reminder app on my phone which is just for house logistics. It's the only app on my phone that pings with notifications (my phone hasn't made a ringing sound since 2003) and the notifications are such that I can't do anything else with my phone unless I action what's on that list.

Every day, there are about 15 things that I absolutely must do for everything to keep running ok. They are as simple as "Clean something for five minutes","Get Wolf's room set for bedtime" and "Clean away dinner and take the bins out", but that's what I need.

It may sound to you like this is overkill. You may wonder how I made it this far in life without such a device. Both are right.

Osher and son
Osher and son (Instagram)

It's not uncommon for things to fall to pieces when a new baby arrives in a family. Most of the time our coping mechanisms move somewhat behind our level of stress and activity - and if we do have a spike (from the car breaking down to moving house) we grit our teeth through those rough days knowing that things will settle down soon enough and then we can just carry on.

However when a new baby arrives - if we haven't been keeping up with our ability to cope with life when it gets intense, we can get in trouble because things won't ever settle down. In fact, as we're now seeing our eldest into her late teens - I can assure you things only get more intense.

And how did I do managing this extra mental load? Terribly. Do I rely on Audrey too much sometimes? Yes.

Osher loves being a dad
Osher loves being a dad (Instagram)

But with every mistake comes a chance to learn how to do things better. And every day I work at getting my coping mechanisms up to speed.

For me, that means learning new organisational techniques like using a phone app to help increase my intention-to-action ratio. I can already tell that it's starting to work.

However I can always do better and hopefully those actions will soon cement themselves into subconscious habits that I do automatically, helping me avoid? "safe mode" and keeping me in "Dad Mode".

Osher is part of the Acast Creator Network. Listen to Season 2 of his podcast DadPod wherever you get your podcasts.

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