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Dear Dr Kaylene: 'Help! My toddler has been biting kids at daycare'

By Dr Kaylene Henderson|

Welcome to our parenting advice column, Dear Dr Kaylene.

Dr Kaylene Henderson is a highly trained child and adolescent psychiatrist, and one of Australia's leading parenting experts. She is also a grateful mother of three zany young kids.

Every fortnight, Kaylene joins 9Honey Parenting exclusively to answer all your parenting questions - whether you need advice about taming toddlers or help supporting teens. If you have a question for Dr Kaylene, email 9honey@nine.com.au.

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Dr Kaylene Henderson
Dr Kaylene Henderson (Supplied)

Hi Kaylene, My toddler bit another kid at daycare yesterday and his teacher took me aside at pick-up to let me know. I'm horrified! What should I do? Jane

As a Mum myself, I totally understand that you'd feel mortified in this situation, but you needn't. Unfortunately, these things happen as our little ones learn how to manage various social situations and tolerate frustration. (I promise your little guy is unlikely to make a habit of sinking his teeth into others as he grows up).

The key is to try to figure out what the reason for the biting might have been. Some little ones seek out extra sensory input in their mouths when they're feeling a bit unsettled (and occasionally this 'extra something' can be another human) - they're often the ones who suck on their thumb or chew on their clothing or toys.

More often though, toddlersbite in frustration. They're still learning how to handle themselves and to calm themselves down when they're overwhelmed. And, as little learners, they sometimes get it wrong.

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Many toddlers go throigh a biting stage (Getty)

If this is a one-off, you probably don't need to do anything. But if this happens repeatedly, your little guy might just need a bit of extra shadowing while he's at childcare so that his educator can jump in when he's starting to feel frustrated and help him to calm down.

Rather than focus too much on what he shouldn't do, the key is to teach him what he can do instead. And in-the-moment coaching is the best way to do that. Good luck!

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Dear Dr Kaylene,
?How do you discipline teenagers? Nothing seems to work! They have little care for "consequences" of not doing chores or helping around the house.
From an exhausted mum of two teenage boys

It's funny how we tend to wish our toddlers weren't quite so keen to 'help' with household chores, then, (*fast forward a few years*) wish those same children, now teens, could somehow regain that long-lost enthusiasm.

While it's no magic wand, my key advice in these situations is to prioritise your relationship with your teenager. The reality is, this situation is only one of many challenges you're likely to face together and it's better to position yourself as an ally, rather than an enemy.

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Dear Dr Kaylene: Exclusive parenting advice column
Dear Dr Kaylene: Exclusive parenting advice column (Nine)

Try to use language that aligns you alongside your teenager, so it becomes the two of you facing the problem together (rather than you approaching your teen as the problem).

You might say something like, "Hey gorgeous, I can't manage everything that needs to be done around here. How can we divvy up these jobs differently? What can you do to help? And what times suit for you to get them done, so that I don't feel like I have to hassle you? I really appreciate your help."

As well as avoiding power struggles, try to also steer clear of punishments. Punishments are not actually the best teaching tools and tend to just make your teen feel bad (which isn't great for them or your relationship).

Instead, by taking a collaborative problem-solving approach, you can keep your relationship strong and, as a team, be better able to navigate any challenges that lie ahead.

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Child's drawing as posted to Instagram by Cait Collins.
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