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Dr Katrina Warren's advice for grieving a pet's death - and honouring them with your children

By Katrina Warren|

Some things are inevitable, but that doesn't mean you're always ready for them.

Losing a pet is no trivial thing ¨C they're beloved members of the family, and going from having a furry friend by your side to suddenly turning around and realising they're no longer there is not an easy transition.

Traditionally, grief about pets dying was ignored and their death was just accepted as part of having a pet. Now, it's no longer just a pet because pets are a part of everything we do. We include them in family celebrations, in all aspects of our lives. We spend a lot on their care, on their nutrition.

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Woman with pet cat
'It's no longer just a pet because pets are a part of everything we do'. (Getty)

Now, we understand the grief was always there, but people never felt validated in that grief, and I still think there's a long way to go. Grief is grief and a crisis is a crisis, no matter what it might be.

Each person has a different relationship with their pet, but for some people, the bond is so strong and so pervasive that the grief is overwhelming.

Here's how you can honour your pet's memory with your family once they cross the rainbow bridge.

How to help your child cope with your pet's death

Often, the death of a pet is a child's first experience with loss and grief, and it can be a critical time to help your child learn about death, how to speak about death and how to express their loss.

Because children are usually devoted to their pets, involving them in the decision-making process is important.

Children inherently can sense when changes in their environment occur, and says the best way to involve children in decisions about their pet's death is to be direct and honest with them ¨C avoid using the wording "put to sleep" as this can lead to the equating the pet's death with a sleep, and then they may wonder when the pet will wake up.

Children under four don't know the difference between death and sleep, so saying words to the effect of, "Our pet is very sick, and will not get better, meaning they are going to die. Because we love them and don't want them to suffer, we are going to help them die."

Or, simply say, "Our pet has died," and then use language that agrees with your beliefs about what happens after death.

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Children who are a bit older, aged around five to seven, might have the habit of thinking they are the cause of everything in their life, so ensure they know their pet's illness or death is not their fault, speaking truthfully and plainly.

Death as a permanent concept is not something most children understand until they're around seven or eight, and their pet's death may prompt a child to ask the same questions repeatedly, asking what might seem like morbid question that adults would find taboo.

Honesty is the best policy, and telling your children gently what exactly is going on ¨C only with as much detail as you are comfortable divulging ¨C while reassuring them how much you all love your pet, that you yourself are feeling sad and that you'll miss them, and how it's normal to feel sad and cry is the way to go.

Avoid telling your children their pet has run away, as they may wonder why their pet left and might leave them feeling abandoned, or that they might return. Use this as a chance to speak about death's part in the life cycle, and to equip them with the knowledge that all living things must die, but that doesn't mean their memory is lost.

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Girl with pet guinea pig
Being open and honest with children about what's happening is the best way to go, according to Dr Katrina Warren. (Getty)

Taking children to be with their pet when they're euthanised

This is something that, as parents, you have to decide for yourselves based on your own level of comfort and beliefs. You know your children best, as well as your own ability to support yourself and your children through the death of a beloved family member.

Children should choose for themselves ¨C after you've decided it's something you think is appropriate ¨C to attend, and if they're well-informed about what's going to happen before, during and after the euthanasia process, they can usually handle the intense emotions while the procedure takes place.

In fact, being there for the euthanasia process or having the process explained to them can be beneficial for children to learn death can be peaceful and loving, not scary, and is a natural part of life ¨C it's a valuable foundation upon all subsequent experiences of loss will be built from.

Children who are very young, however, can be present, but they are more likely to get upset when they see the distress of their parents or siblings around them, so it might be prudent to have another close family member or friend present to support them, which gives other family members the ability to also be fully present.

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Boy with pet fish
Warren advises putting a symbolic stone in the garden where children can 'visit' their pet and talk to them. (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Having a ceremony to honour your pet

Children, while they do grieve, don't necessarily express their grief in the same way an adult might ¨C so holding a ceremony where each family member can express their loss and love for their pet in their own way.

This will give them permission to show their own feelings, and when adults allow children to see their own grief and sadness, and explain why they're sad, it provides children with a role model.

Encourage the children to actively be involved in the memorial ceremony. They might want to write a poem or draw a picture, decorate the grave, dress for the occasion or invite friends and loved ones to attend.

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Girl with pet dog
When to get a new pet is a personal choice, but be open with your children as to why you are timing things the way you are. (Getty)

Placing a symbolic stone in the garden as a place the children can visit and talk to their pet if they feel like they need to, and also inform your children's teachers, school counsellor and other important adults in their lives of the loss so they can also provide support if needed.

If needed, consider seeking support from a grief counsellor who specialises in working with children.

When should we get a new pet?

There is no right or wrong answer to this question ¨C it depends on individual circumstance and preference.

However, you need to be prepared to explain to the children why it might be better to wait a while before getting a new pet instead of rushing.

If you do decide to wait, explain to the children that you need some time to adjust to life without your pet, and that you need to grieve them.

When the time is right, be sure to involve your children in selecting their new family member, and caring for them.

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