Julia's fearful 10-word text after being trapped in a violent marriage for almost a decade
By Maddison Leach|
When Julia* was trapped in an abusive marriage, she only ever spoke to one person about the situation and a frantic text to them helped free her after almost a decade.
But the Australian mum almost confessed what was going on at home to her manager on several occasions, only to stop herself every time the words bubbled up. She was afraid.
"There were so many times when we were meeting in a standard work catch up and I would say to myself, 'OK Julia, you are going to tell her today about what's going on'," Julia tells 9Honey.?
"But I never did. I feared the consequences จC not from my manager but from the perpetrator จC and once you tell your story to someone, it makes it real and that is really frightening."
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Julia had been enduring physical and non-physical abuse from her perpetrator for years and she feared not only for her own safety, but the safety of her child at home.
Speaking up meant that she'd have to "do something" about the abuse, but she didn't know how to get out so it was almost "better to live in denial and pretend everything is okay".
So, each day she went to work and pretended everything was fine.
Many Australians confronted with stories of family violence wonder 'Why didn't she just leave?', but Tania Farha, CEO of Safe and Equal, says it's just not that easy.
"Telling someone to 'just leave' isn't helpful. People experiencing abuse make decisions every day to keep themselves safe, which may not always reflect what you think they should do," she tells 9Honey.
"There are many reasons why a person might be unable or unwilling to leave an abusive relationship."?
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Statistics show that the most dangerous time for victim-survivors is when they leave a violent situation, but for years Julia didn't even recognise that her marriage was abusive.
There were "red flags" at the start, but she didn't see them for what they were until it was too late.
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"Our relationship formed very quickly and also became serious quickly. He moved in with me straight away จC I was a homeowner, he was renting จC and proposed very early in our relationship," she says.
"I now can see the love-bombing behaviours and sense of urgency to get married as red flags."
They lived together for just six months before getting married and had a child together a few years later, but at that stage the abuse wasn't physical.
So when Julia told a close friend what was going on at home, she was shocked to hear the situation labelled as "family violence".?
"I remember thinking at the time, that couldn't be correct because there was no physical violence at that stage," she says, admitting she was in denial.
"I had to delete all messages to her, as my perpetrator would always go through my phone without permission."
Despite her initial hesitance to label her situation as family violence, Julia's friend stuck by her and did everything she could to make sure Julia was safe and okay.
"She would listen to me when I was so distraught and feeling terrorised by my situation. I was so in the thick of the situation that I was trying to simply survive day to day," Julia says.
The violence escalated and became physical and after about 10 years of marriage Julia decided she had to get herself and her child out.
After making up her mind to leave, she sent a covert text message to her friend. 'Do you know if I can get an intervention order?' she typed.
The response came moments later: "Yes."
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Julia took time off work while she escaped the situation and separated from her perpetrator, which can be dangerous. Before returning to the office, she asked to grab coffee with her manager, Sarah*.?
Nerves and shame were coursing through Julia as she arrived and Sarah knew in a heartbeat that something was wrong. Julia finally told her everything.
"It was like opening the floodgates. I just couldn't stop talking and I wept uncontrollably but I managed to tell my story," Julia says.
"The first thing she said to me was 'Julia, you are such a brave woman', and I looked at her and wept because I didn't think I was brave. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, scared, weak, and helpless."
Sarah listened and consoled her, then surprised Julia again when she promised the workplace would do everything to support her.
Though Julia didn't know it at the time, Sarah had been through family violence training in the past and put everything she learned into action to support her.?
With some help from the head of HR, they organised family violence leave for Julia to attend court hearings, as well as counselling through the organisation's Employee Assistance Program (EAP).
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She was given time off to attend recovery and parenting courses and it was agreed that building security would escort Julia between the office and the train station when arriving at and leaving work.
"My manager also checked in with me daily, she re-assigned my work to give me tasks that weren't as taxing because she knew I was at breaking point and didn't want to overburden me," Julia adds.
"She basically protected me from office politics and anything she thought may trigger me, or put unnecessary stress on me."
"The first thing she said to me was 'Julia, you are such a brave woman'."
Sarah handled Julia's situation with more sensitivity and care than she ever expected, and having workplace support was vital while she spent three gruelling years navigating court and starting her life over.
One in three Australian women has experienced physical or sexual violence by a current or former partner and one woman is killed nearly every week in Australia due to family violence.
Violence against women impacts about one in six female workers, meaning most Aussie workplaces will be impacted by domestic and family violence, but so many victim-survivors fear speaking up.
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Many battle feelings of shame and embarrassment, as well as a fear of being judged or not being supported by colleagues, managers or the wider business.
Julia worried about those exact things before she disclosed her situation to Sarah, but now she wants every Aussie workplace to be as supportive as hers was.?
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"A supportive workplace can be a lifeline for someone experiencing abuse. For lots of victim survivors, going to work might be the only time they are safely away from their perpetrator," Farha says.
Safe and Equal's national campaign 'Are You Safe At Home?' is aimed at raising awareness and breaking down the stigma associated with talking about family violence, and this year the focus is on the workplace.
Colleagues and workplaces can play a critical role in supporting someone experiencing abuse by having appropriate policies and work practices to accommodate victims without consequences.
It's also vital that managers have family violence training, like Sarah did, and that workplaces foster a safe and respectful workplace culture where family violence support is easily accessible.
"The reality is that anyone จC people of all genders, ages, sexualities, cultural backgrounds, and socio-economic status จC can experience family violence," Farha explains.
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That's why all Aussie workplaces need to be equipped to support victim-survivors and connect them with other vital family violence support services, from legal aid to counselling.
"A lot of the time when you're in the middle of a family violence situation, you're overwhelmed with everything going on and you aren't aware that there are services that can help," Julia adds.
Since opening up to her manager, she has seen family violence training rolled out across her workplace to ensure everybody has the tools to respond to situations like hers.
On an individual level, Aussies shouldn't be afraid to ask colleagues if they're OK at home. As Farha says, "family violence is everyone's business".
Approach the subject gently and without judgement, and don't be pushy or offended if the person chooses not to disclose what may or may not be happening at home.
"One thing to remember is that talking about abuse is incredibly hard, and many victim survivors blame themselves," Fahra adds.
"Be open and approach them with kindness and without judgement, and remind them that the violence is not their fault."
Though it may not sound like much, knowing that someone at work supports you and is there to listen or help can be massive for victim-survivors like Julia.
*Names changed for privacy.?
If you or someone you know is in need of support contact 1800RESPECT on 1800 732 732 or Lifeline on 13 11 14. In an emergency dial Triple Zero (000).
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