Gary got caught embezzling $45,000 from police during silent battle plaguing Aussie men

Gary Fahey was at the height of his career with the Australian Federal Police when he was caught embezzling $45,000 from a corporate credit card and everything fell apart.

He'd been on a dark downward spiral for years as he battled hidden mental health issues, but didn't feel like he could ask for help until it was too late.

"The first five years that I was struggling it was very difficult to even recognise that within myself," he tells 9Honey.?

"We build up such a strong culture of men being problem solvers, of being an alpha male - especially being in the policing environment - that it's very difficult for us to acknowledge [mental health issues]."

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Fahey had been struggling under the weight of a stressful, high profile police job that took a huge mental toll, but for years he suffered in silence.

Like many Australian men, he feared how his colleagues, friends and family would react if he publicly confessed to his mental struggles.

"It's very precarious to come forward¡­ is that going to damage my career? Is that going to damage my status? Is that going to damage who I am as a man? That's scary," he says.?

For centuries, men have been ridiculed for being open about their mental health battles, a disappointing and sometimes deadly pattern that is well and truly alive in 2023.

Many end up engaging in unhealthy behaviours to cope and for Fahey that manifested as a costly gambling addiction.

"Gambling became that one thing that switched the noise off and in the absence of me actively pursuing more positive outlets, it became my only coping mechanism," he admits.

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Over the course of his active addiction, Fahey lost $2 million to gambling and went to extreme lengths to keep his habit and subsequent debts hidden.

"I was using other people's money or money that was set aside for the mortgage or bills, or even the work credit card," he reveals.

"I was working long hours and I hadn't been paid overtime for a while, so I would convince myself that this was money that's owed to me, or somebody else had loaned me some money and I'll pay it back when I get a big payout. You create excuses in your own mind."?

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By the time he was exposed, Fahey had embezzled $45,000 from the Australian Federal Police and as a result lost his career, reputation and relationships.

His partner left and the disgraced ex-cop had to deal with about $180,000 of credit card and personal loan debt, losing his home in the process.

It was only after hitting rock bottom that Fahey was finally able to speak up about the mental turmoil he'd kept hidden for years and seek help.?

Fahey was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a gambling addiction, which he was able to manage and eventually treat. For some friends, it was too late.

"When I was struggling, all the women in my life were suffering."

"Had I sought help sooner, there's no doubt I would've saved not just my relationships, but I would've saved the mental health of those around me," he says.

"I certainly would've been able to move from my career on my own terms, probably salvage some reputation and maybe find the place that I'm in now a hell of a lot sooner."

Now he uses his own 'rock bottom' story to inspire other men to speak up when they're struggling and tackle their own mental health struggles before causing irreparable damage.

"When men get it wrong [with mental health], they often burn the house down on the way out and the visible damage can be a lot greater," Fahey admits.?

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Stigma makes it difficult for men to speak up when they're struggling, as centuries of patriarchy and gender norms teach men they have to be strong, stoic and independent.

Sadly, that stigma is only reinforced by male role models who teach men they should cope with their problems alone and model unhealthy coping behaviours, like drug or alcohol abuse.

The shame makes some men wait until they're at breaking point before getting help, but Fahey wants Aussie men to learn from his mistakes and open up before things go too far.

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"It's very difficult to change the overriding culture, even when it makes sense that we should do it," he admits of the stigma.?

It's also vital to change the narrative around men's mental health in order to help women, who also suffer when the men they love are struggling.

"When I was struggling, all the women in my life were suffering," Fahey says.?

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Encouraging men to seek help, embrace therapy and improve their own mental health will improve the lives of everyone around them and is something feminists have been promoting for years.

While it's important for men to feel supported by the women in their lives - wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters - he adds that the onus is on men to take the first step.

"People that have been through it can let men know that it is okay to take a little bit of time, it's okay to speak up, take the support and solve your problem in a way that suits you," he says.?

"One of the toughest things to do is actually to speak up. If you are a tough man, doing tough things, maybe it's time that you do the toughest of all things, and that is to be vulnerable."

Fahey now supports men in high-profile, high-pressure and high-stress careers navigating the mental health issues that may arise in their careers through Strong Men'd.

Based in Brisbane, Strong Men'd offers coaching and counselling (and if necessary, crisis intervention), to help men understand what they're experiencing and how to begin the process of moving forward by implementing strategies for success and accountability.

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