'I'm struggling to fall pregnant, and it makes me feel like a failure'
By 9Honey | As told to Sally Hunt|
Two years ago I had a miscarriage. I was around 12 weeks pregnant and I'd started bleeding and feared the worst. It was the worst day of my life and I'm still so upset about it.
Since then, my partner Sam and I have been trying to conceive and we've had no luck. It has made me so miserable, especially as all of my friends are now mothers or are pregnant. I try to be happy for them, I give them presents and smile when I'm with them, but inside I feel awful. I'm filled with "Why me?" and also questioning how they got so lucky.
I've had a series of tests, and doctors have found there is nothing in particular that is wrong with me or Sam and to just keep trying. I'm sick of people telling me, "Have fun trying!" as though it's some kind of a joke.
RELATED: 'My boyfriend made me feel ashamed of my body during my pregnancy'
What people might not realise is that when you can't fall pregnant, as a woman, you often feel like a failure, especially when everyone around you seems to do it so quickly.
I'm trying to trust in the timing of the universe and maybe I'm not "supposed to" have a baby until I'm in my 30s, but I feel that now, at the age of 28, I am so ready and so desperate to be a mother.
Because Sam and I have been together since we were both 21, people are constantly asking us, "When are you starting a family?" I usually just laugh off those questions with comments like, "Oh, we're not ready yet, we're having too much fun!" But that's what I only say to causal acquaintances จC everyone who is close to me knows I am trying and that I get very low whenever my period arrives.
There are some great support groups online, especially on Facebook. It's really helpful for me to connect with women who are going through the same agony I am. I realise there are so many women like me who have miscarried and then struggled to get pregnant again. I definitely don't feel alone.
Sam doesn't think it's a good idea for me to spend so much time online with women who are going through the same experience as I am จC but he doesn't really understand. It's so helpful to get information from other women, share our thoughts and just to vent to each other.
One thing we all have in common is we are sick and tired of people saying, "Just relax and you'll fall pregnant." Yes, that might work for some women but it's certainly not working for me!
I'm trying to think positive thoughts and I have a vision board filled with babies and I'm praying I will be a mother one day soon. But I do have nights when I lie awake with an awful fear that I won't have my precious baby.
I know other women who are going through the same kind of misery and they know exactly what I'm talking about. I just hope and pray I will be pregnant by this time next year.
