Aussie mum's silent battle after 'nightmare' pregnancies and births: 'Still suffering to this day'
By Kate Kachor|
WARNING: This article deals with birth trauma and may be triggering for some readers
With tears streaming down her cheeks Lauren Hayward tapped at the keypad of her mobile phone. By morning she had four lengthy letters she hoped to never send.
It was late one night in 2021 when the then-pregnant Hayward felt compelled to write down her thoughts and wishes to her loved ones. They were her "just in case" letters.
One letter was for her husband, another for her mother. The remaining two letters were for her children - her then five-year-old son, Jack, and her unborn daughter, Lily.
"They're still on my phone just in case anything happens," Hayward, 36, tells 9Honey Parenting on the phone from her home in Victoria. She lets out a nervous laugh.
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"I was bawling my eyes out whileกญ It was late at night. I'm like if I die, I want to be able to say something, especially to Jack and Lily."
Jack is now seven. He's outgoing, full of life and has a great sense of humour. Lily is two. She's cheeky, but sweet and kind.
Hayward shares that the siblings enjoy a beautiful bond. Jack's pet name for his sister is "Queen Lily".
"She can do no wrong, basically," Hayward says, another laugh emerging.
She often laughs during the interview. On the phone, Hayward sounds like a bubbly, doting mother. Someone with the usual day-to-day struggles of being a parent of two under the age of 10. Yet, there's something bubbling underneath.
Hayward always wanted to be a mother, and cherishes her role. She and her husband were lucky, they thought. They didn't struggle with conceiving. Though, for Hayward, pregnancy and her body were never in sync. But rather at odds.
'I was just vomiting and in and out of hospital with drips. I just couldn't eat. I then ended up getting influenza from being in emergency, because you just sit in emergency for hours'
She suffered both physical and mental complications throughout both her pregnancies. She developed hyperemesis gravidarum, gestational diabetes, placenta previa and postpartum PTSD.
The hyperemesis gravidarum, or severe nausea and vomiting, started two weeks after Hayward found out she was pregnant with Jack.
"So, week five or six. I was just vomiting and in and out of hospital with drips. I just couldn't eat. I then ended up getting influenza from being in emergency, because you just sit in emergency for hours," she says.
She was put on a lot of medication for the hyperemesis gravidarum, which helped by week 20. Yet, her traumatic experience towards motherhood was not over.
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"Then the birth was traumatic, a natural birth, but induced because my waters broke and the contractions didn't come on," she says.
It was about 10pm back in 2016 when Hayward's waters broke. She and her husband headed to the hospital only to be told to return home. Her contractions were not close enough.
When she returned there was another complication.
"I pushed for over two hours, as he got stuck, and needed forceps delivery with an episiotomy which got infected and I had to go into hospital later," she says.
'I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress and panic disorder. But that's mainly from the hyperemesis. So I'm terrified of getting sickกญ I can't look after my kids when they're throwing up'
After recovering physically, Hayward spent the next year living with anxiety. She started having panic attacks, which at first she was unsure what they were.
"I didn't realise they were panic attacks until I went on holiday and got food poisoning about a year after Jack was born. They (doctors) reckon that triggered like massive panic attacks and I collapsed and ended up being taken to hospital," she says.
"That's when I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress and panic disorder. But that's mainly from the hyperemesis. So I'm terrified of getting sick, like throwing upกญ I can't look after my kids when they're throwing up."
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Hayward takes medication, sees a psychologist and has tried hypnotherapy and monthly massage therapy to treat her panic disorder. She still suffers from daily panic attacks.
She says the sensation of an attack can start anywhere, even laying in bed. Her heart will suddenly race and her breathing becomes heavier and quickens. Even describing the feeling makes her suddenly uneasy.
Then, without a hint of humour in her voice, Hayward says Lily's birth was worse.
New research by the Australasian Birth Trauma Association (ABTA) found only 18 per cent, or less than one in five, of Australian births go as planned.
In fact, one in three Australians who have given birth report their experience as traumatic, while almost four in five Australians experience at least one symptom of postpartum post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
To put this in context, the research found 41 per cent of birthing parents surveyed had heard of postpartum PTSD prior to the delivery of their child.
More than two in five women surveyed say they have not been screened for postpartum PTSD by a health professional. women surveyed say they have not been screened for postpartum PTSD by a health professional
Hayward admits after her first pregnancy she had second thoughts. They were fleeting thoughts about the pregnancy, never about having a child.
"I always really wanted a girl, oh, just a second child, because I always wanted to have three or more," she says.
It was during the COVID-19 pandemic when Hayward and her husband fell pregnant again. She had taken time away from her beauty business after moving interstate from Sydney and her husband was working from home.
It felt like the perfect time to try for another child.
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Hayward suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum again.
This time, the medication didn't work for the first half of her pregnancy. Thankfully, in Victoria they had 'Hospital in the Home' which meant she could receive IV drips in comfortable surroundings.
However, when she had to go to doctor's appointments pandemic restrictions meant she had to be on her own.
She was alone when she was diagnosed with grade four placenta previa and told there "was a chance of dying during the pregnancy or the birth".
Placenta previa is when the placenta has implanted at the bottom of the uterus and covered over the cervix, making a natural birth impossible. There are four types of placenta previa, the fourth being the most severe.
"So I was told you could have bleeds at any time and you and the baby have a risk of dying because you could lose all your blood basically. You could have a big bleed or a little bleed," Hayward says.
She was told to take it very easy during her pregnancy. Around this time, she also developed gestational diabetes which required four injections daily.
For Hayward who suffers from a needle phobia, it was a nightmare situation.
She managed her pregnancy without incident until the 35-week mark when she suffered a big bleed.
It was mid-December and Hayward was sitting at home in the garage. As she stood up she felt a thick wetness down her legs. She had no warning, or pain.
"I remember the doctor saying to me I could lose my whole blood volume within 10 minutes, so to call an ambulance (if a bleed happens)," she says.
'I thought post traumatic stress was just for people that have been in wars and had been attacked and crime and all that. I didn't think it could be from pregnancy'
"When we did call the ambulance, it took 11 minutes for them to arrive. The blood was pooling at my feet."
Lily was born two hours later by emergency C-section. The trauma didn't end there.
When Lily was born, her heart wasn't beating and she wasn't breathing. She was rushed off for treatment. Mother and daughter weren't reunited until the next day.
"I didn't know that her heart had stopped. The midwives told us the next day, which was probably a good thing," Hayward says.
"I think I was in shock because I didn't have any sign that I was going to have a bleed like that."
Lily spent 10 days in the NICU before the Haywards could bring her home. She was due to arrive home just before Christmas. As luck would have it, mother and daughter passed each other like ships in the night.
Hayward had suffered an infection. She had developed a perineal abscess, completely unrelated to Lily's birth.
Hayward speaks matter-of-factly about her experiences. Although she feels compelled to share in the hope of helping others feel less alone.
"If you talk to someone that hasn't gone through it, they think pregnancy and birth is this great thing, where it isกญ because you're having children, I mean I wouldn't change it, but it can be traumatic and that's what people don't talk about," she says.
"I thought post-traumatic stress was just for people that have been in wars and had been attacked and crime and all that. I didn't think it could be from pregnancy."
Despite her harrowing pregnancies, Hayward has no regrets.
"I love my kids and it's the best thing I've ever done. But I'm still suffering to this day and I just feel like I've tried everything and there's nothing left now," she says.
What she would like is greater understanding for others in her situation, particularly support at the federal government level.
"For me, it felt like there was nothing to access, apart from the Australasian Birth Trauma Association and PANDA, but I didn't even know about them," she says.
"And you're not in the frame of mind to go and search for them. You need someone, the doctors, to say 'we don't think you're that well, you need help'. But no one does that".
You are not alone. There is help and support available.
For birth trauma support, please contact the Australasian Birth Trauma Association at birthtrauma.org.auYou can also search for a professional with birth trauma expertise at COPE's online directory.
If you need immediate help please call Lifeline on 131114 or call PANDA on 1300 726 306 or go to PANDA?
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